It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
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If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break