Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
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I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.