He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
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[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Wait a minute…
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.