We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Manager: You’re fired.
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
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My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
ME: hey did u get my letter?
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.