@mortimermaiden

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

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@canadasandra

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

@iGreenGod

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

@dubstep4dads

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

@PhuckinCody

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

@RodLacroix

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

@StruggleDisplay

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

@KeetPotato

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

@truegritrumble

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.