30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
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The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
not seeing the problem
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like