I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
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ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
had to make it
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
accurate
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?