Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
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You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
My patronus is a cheeseburger
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.