8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
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Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.