At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
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Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Breakfast in bed.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Stop sending me this shit.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.