At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
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April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.