Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
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Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I’m tired tomorrow.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT