Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
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I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
The Backseat Boys
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.