Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
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“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’