My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
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No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Phones down.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip