whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
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Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
i wish we could shoplift online
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.