I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
You Might Also Like
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Damn what did I do next
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Damn he played himself
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Baller is short for ballerina
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.