Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
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“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?