*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
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The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
That’s amazing.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?