New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
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‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
In Canada they just call them geese
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Love is always patient and kind.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.