So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
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[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea