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ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.