Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
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mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Chicago sounds lovely.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.