who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
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Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
i spent way too long on this
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Pandas 🐼🖤
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring