My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
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Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Whoa 😂
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.