Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
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I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep