Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
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[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that