If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
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me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS