triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
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Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*