Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
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Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.