It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
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Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
remember
only for emergencies
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
turning my gender off to conserve energy
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”