I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
You Might Also Like
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.