I drew y’all a little something.
You Might Also Like
You are what you delete.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Danger is very dangerous
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.