Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
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Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
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Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Cause of death: Zumba
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
emergency phone
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.