Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
You Might Also Like
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?