Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
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Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.