In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
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Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*