Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
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Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
no refunds
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.