Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
You Might Also Like
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.