Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
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Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.