her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
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Shower sex be like:
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.