My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
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Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
A collection of me turning into random objects.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*