Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
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I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.