Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
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Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.