*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
You Might Also Like
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
starting a garage orchestra
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”