I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
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i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Oh yeah that’s it
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken