Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
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“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!