My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
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WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Me, reading some of your tweets
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words