Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
a public service announcement
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Free him
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities