Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
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My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Don’t snitch tag.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Nothing to do, you say?
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM