Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
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Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
same vibe as tangled headphones
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Social Media and Real life
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!