No time to explain get in the wood chipper
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The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Otters see a butterfly.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Cat.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”