The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
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If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
this isn’t threatening at all
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.